Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

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[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead


Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.


Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.


*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.


Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two


Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”


“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”


*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*


Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another