@AtticusFinch79 [parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
@Stap_Jr Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
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@AtticusFinch79 
@AbbyHasIssues Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
@Mr_Mike_Clarke “On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
@loribuckmajor Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
@Sophie2078 *my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
@DickKingSmith Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
@Reverend_Scott Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
@abbycohenwl *pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
@krakkenlackin Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
@XplodingUnicorn 2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.