@Stap_Jr

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

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@AtticusFinch79

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

@AbbyHasIssues

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

@loribuckmajor

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

@Sophie2078

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

@DickKingSmith

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

@Reverend_Scott

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

@krakkenlackin

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another