Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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why would tinder want me to say this
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.