You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Day 2 of my diet
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I put the h in mysterious.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.