Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead