when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Simple
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
lumberjacks will cut a birch
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.