Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.