Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
🤣could you imagine
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color