DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*