No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*mops up wine with cat*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..