On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue