Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Penguins walking in 5x speed
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again