Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.