Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
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How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Wait a minute…
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.