In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
You Might Also Like
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay