If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

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*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*


A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.


Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.


Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.


How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes


Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.


Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.


ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd


Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.