If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden