[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
You Might Also Like
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
can’t bark with your mouth full
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.