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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.