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I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
There’s always that one guy
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.