I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Where is your GOD now????
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.