the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.