Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.