Who’s your best friend?
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During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I think the cat got the dog high.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]