YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
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“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My flabber has been gasted.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool