a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
awkward
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks