a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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