a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.