a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“It’s a long story.”
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.