I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready