6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
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This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?