@EdgarPoop1

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

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@TheAndrewNadeau

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

@WorkaholicsQ

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

@dadmann_walking

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

@JimmerThatisAll

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

@BacklineNurse

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

@EndhooS

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

@DairylandDon

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

@Book_Krazy

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do