Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise