Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
This was a bad idea all around
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED