You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
incredible
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.