My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.