In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Best spoiler warning ever
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope