My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Lmao the reply
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
They did not think through this water fountain
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS