Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

my dad has had enough

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Me too, bag. Me too….

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.