I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
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Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”