side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.