Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.