[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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t
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!