As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.