sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
john wicks are toilet candles
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips