I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Seas the day!!!!
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people