I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Room with a view.
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children