Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.