i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
You Might Also Like
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
called in thicc to work this morning
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
doing some research
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry