friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.