my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
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Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?