Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?