An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Leaving the Barbers like
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
