An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
#SuperBowl
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined