NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
You Might Also Like
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred