You Might Also Like
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.