A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
This is true.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.