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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
WTF
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
The asteroid..
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”