Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
You Might Also Like
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.