Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
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“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.